Monday, 21 May 2012

Back to work after a weeks confinement with Mrs Scratchit who is now de poxed. Missed her loads and loads. Sigh.

There will be an autopsy and post mortem for my cousin. My poor Uncle and Auntie are in limbo. All they want to do is see their little girl but have to wait. She should be in the chapple of rest by the end of the week.

My other dear chum has had her second IVF failure. They didn't even get to egg transfer.No viable eggs/embryos.  She is only 35. They have decided to call it a day. She needs, she feels, to move on. It has been 8 years. She is very sad but relieved at the closure as it has been a long hard fraught road.

We had an impromtu trip to the Smoke on Thursday. I returned Sunday. Biggles as a regular customer gets points and these points he cashes in for tickets for me to use to give him  break from travelling every so often. As Mrs Scratchit was well on her way to sans pox adn was 100% scabby pox we hopped on a train.  I had the time off so thought we may as well make the best of it. Its a very quick turn around if we go on Friday and come back Sunday.

Lovely time mooching around nappy valley in South London. My god the money that resides there!!!! The kids in designer kegs, the brunch mothers in cafes having coffee that costs the same as my electricity bill for a fortnight. Saying that I have some very very very well paid chums who can afford to live in central London to the tune of the best part of 2.5k rent per calendar month. Lovely people but a different world financially.  Saturday after a day playing in Coram Fields not far form Russell Square ( Sadly famous for the 7/7 bus bomb) we met up with Biggles for a chineese buffet and a mooch around Gerard Street. I kept saying Stowel Street - oops that would be Newcastle China Town. After feeding our faces ( only £10 per head and half price for weeny) we mooched to Trafalgar Square. Weeny sat for a very nice caracature from one of the portrain street artists near the National Gallery courtesy of Biggles before heading back  to Clapham. Oh and the huge ice cream he bought her.

Weeny loves her trips to the big smoke. We have a routine - day one spent in Clapham or rather on the common - feeding ducks and playing in park. Day two meet up with little buddy and mummy;s dear school chum in Russell Square.  Stay up late watching family film/DVD then back to park on Sunday. We always have Eggy bread - French toast to posh folk for Saturday breakfast. Weeny's choice.  Weeny sleeps in the living room on a double sofa bed but comes traisping through in the morning. We have to pretend not to hear her. before being jumped on. She stays up late and fo rsome reason sleeps late as well. At home we are up for swimming/school/family visits so its always an early one. It was 10am on Sunday - Biggles and I made the best of it. ;-)

The only bugger is the leaving of Biggles. She gets so much more upset than if we wave goodbye at the station. She howled and cried and had real tears then shrieked when he couldn't come to the train to wave us off. You need tickets to get past the barriers in Kings Cross. Biggles gets upset to the point of glassy eye ness when she is like this. Its rotten for them both. Makes us both think alot.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

My poor cousin.... RIP

My poor cousin died today. She took an overdose and was found this morning. She was only 42... just.  She had two grown up children  - 19 and 22 and a grand daughter. She had been unhappy in her marriage for a long time and was scared at the prospect of  leaving I think. She had always worked part time. She had her family very young and gave up full time work for a long long time.  She had no career to speak of or qualifications and so leaving her husband must have been a very scary option. He had control of the finances apart from her meagre part time wage which was her 'pin money'.

She lived quite far away from me but we kept in touch through more often than not Face book. I am thinking this was a cry for help gone wrong. According to to my uncle She had had an argument with her daughter who had said she would stop her from seeing her grand daughter.  Silly daughter talking rubbish in the heat of the moment. In her right mind she would have known that this was a hot headed young girl being silly who could not do with out the help of her mum.  I believe there was alcohol involved later that evening. Alcohol is evil and can colour any ones judgement especially if you have a few underlying self esteem issues as well. She loved her kids very very much and they were the reasons she stayed with her moody bottom lip dropping husband all these years.  She would never  in her right mind have wanted her daughter to feel responsible for this. Her husband well that's a different story as you can tell I thought he was a nob. He was scared of wasps and would run from them. No allergies- just plain chicken namby pamby weed. Only ever had bubonic plague versions of man flu and would huff worse than any four year old who doesn't like taking turns.  Though I never saw it I would bet my life he wouldn't be any good for her self esteem. He reminded me of a real life Ian Beale.  I doubt he ever offered encouragement to anything outside of the home or more than part time in sainsburys stacking shelves. I know he was jealous minded and paranoid.  Not violent but a prat and a nasty little prat at that. Leaving him would be so very scary. She had never lived alone before. She was also three hours journey time from her parents or sister and had been for years. I'm sure he wanted to move to get away from the other family - ie her family. 
Its so very tragic and a such a waste. My uncle is shell shocked. You should never have to bury your children. An old saying but right.  My auntie cannot speak. My dear old mum would be devastated. My Uncle was her youngest brother. She was the oldest and the only girl so second mum to the youngest two kids by all accounts. She adored his kids as well. Both of them but especially his youngest. My cousin was practically at her parents wedding but not quite IYKWIM.

Wish I could have given her the strength and self belief. We can all have a whine and blogger often has a cathartic purpose for me but I'm hardy at the end of the day and some dogs take a deep breath and find their growl again once you have booted them. My cousin wasn't like that.  I hope she has found peace but given the circumstances of her passing I don't know if that will be.

Feeling thankful for hardiness and a stubborn streak.

XXXX night peeps.

Sunday, 13 May 2012

A pox on it a pox!!

Our weekend hath been blighted!  And weeny in particular of course. She is fine in herself a bit uncomfortable but  getting by with the help of poxicillin - a cooling mousse for the vari wotsit virus. Very bloody expensive at £10.47 from Boots but it works.

She managed swimming and a soft play party before her spots developed.  Her fancy dress party was then cancelled. Small baby there. She took it in good spirits after I explained about the baby. A bit sad.

We are in and shall remain so till the spots are scabby. I figure about a week probably. I may use the rear entrance at work   - its the workman's entrance and pop in each day with weeny just to get things done.  Its a really busy week! Ahh I am hoping I can take special leave as i have all my hols booked as does Biggles.

We have feasted so far thanks in part to approved food lol

The nicest Thai Curry sauce for 0.008333333 of a penny per sachet!!! Friday
Chocolate cake - triple layered lots of scotbloc filling!  So tasty!  Though the benefit of  reduced sugar  has been negated by the scotbloc and  butter cream filling.

I shall be approved fooding again asap just to purchase the above!!!!

Today we have the cooking bacon lasagna - well bacon and chicken and veg lasagna, garlic bread.... ooooo it is nice! I have made two one for us and one for the freezer.  Will each feed  two and a bit people. Biggles staying till Monday night as he is getting the bike serviced so we have an extra evening before the working week begins again. Short one - Fabulous!!!

If I didn't have so much to do at work weeny and I would go with him for the week and hang out in London. She is nearly past the contagious stage. When the spots are all out and crusty  all good to go!  She was contagious last week but nursery and school say five days  minimum till crustiness!  Some are crusty already! She heals well!!! That's my girl the breast feeding ( till 2+) the grubbiness and good immune system genes must be  working!

Saturday, 12 May 2012

A Pox!

We have chicken pox. Well just the Weeny girl. Poor wee thing.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Household purchases ya boo but some Sainsburys bargains.

My iron is not heating. My fault most likely - well certainly. I have left it on. Not only a fire hazard but a pain in the but. Will I ever learn! Sigh. Also my shower attachment ( attached to the taps) decided to burst. Trip to Argos.  Value basics. under  £10.  I hate ironing and do very little of it so I see no point in an iron investment.  I was shocked at the price of the irons however! Who pays over £100 for an iron!!!! Unless you need a specialist one for  what reason/justification I cannot fathom!

Was close to sainsburys and decided to pop in. Was pleasantly surprised by being canny price wise it was fine. Lots of things cheaper than Morrison's or just the same. What was more expensive I saved in other areas. Good to know for when I need to purchase those cheaper items again. Stock Cubes for eg, bread - there is never any cheapo bread left at Morrisons.  Fruit was cheaper for basics apples and pears.  Other stuff around the same or less. Spinach bag - cheaper by 10p. best of all I got three packs of sainsburys pork sausages reduced to 49p each. Now languishing in my freezer.
Only spent £22.  Cooking bacon basics range looked much better than  Morrisons too and all for 99p.

Stocked cupboards. Meals planned for this weekend.
Thai curry
Lemon chicken
Chicken and bacon and veg lasagna.

Other meals - beans on toast and  bacon butties for lunch/brunch/breakfast  Will be able to make twice as much lasagna and freeze it. Also got some baking to do this weekend as well. Our low sugar choc cake mix with choc topping. Mmmmm

I have four tins of lentils. I was going to chuck them into curry but would prefer something else.Not sure what any ideas? I may repost this on its own.

Forgot Weeny has two parties this weekend. A softplay party then a fancy dress on Sunday. The Sunday party I can imbibe some toxic liquids so I hope its nice.

I have pressies in the cupboard - saved toys from Christmas.

Pine Cone research: I do online surveys and have so far this year made £18. Now in vouchers being saved for Crimbo.

Biggles back tomorrow. Can't wait. Want cuddles.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

A first, small changes and four year olds

 Only two more sleeps.
Biggles rang to speak to weeny girl this evenign as he promised he would. She was in a preoccupied four year old mood and I think he was a bit upset. Its all new to him this small child thing - I tell him its positive that she acts so very normally around him and feels secure enough with him and his love for her to do so.

I have a friend who adopted a young lad  aged 6. She was thrilled to bits when he had a strop and stormed up stairs and slammed his bedroom door. It mean't he felt secure enough to be normal. He had his huff  just like other kids do. He is now 15.  Its fantastic for her well them really. She was a single woman when she was matched with her son.
Biggles  is mentioned so much more than the other family. Everytime we park at Morrisons in the parent and child spaces.  Look theres Mummy, me and Biggles exclaims Weeny like a little stuck record. He figured in her learning journal- she told her teacher all about him and the teacher wrote what she said in her journal under a family picture. This is Biggles and Mummy. I love  Biggles and Mummy very much.

Wonder who will get the homemade fathers day card this year??? Last year she chose Biggles.

Small changes

I am making small changes. I will take the stairs at work unless I have to walk up five flights of  stairs!
I will take myvitamins every day
I will get to sleep for 11 - or try to! LIGHTS off !!
Moisturiser - I need to do this more often.

First approved food order! Am impressed.

I stocked up on naan breads - lots for ony £2
Red Thai Curry Paste - fantastic for 0.001p for 12
HP sauce x3
Lentils - tinned x4
mayo x6
Curry sauce - my chilhood fav of Maysan paste - tastes just like curry from a chinese take away! x2
Choc cake mix  low sugar and choc block  - weeny and I will be baking at the weekend!!!!

Came to about £18 with postage - I saved lots!

Store cupboard looking happy.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Calm now.

Calm now. Alternative things in the world.

Biggles took weeny girl to nursery school to day.  She trotted him in like something out of show and tell and proudly exclaimed that he was her ' Biggles'.  Bless! They were both chuffed.

We had a coffee,  read some paper in  Costa in town, chilled out and made tea before we trotted off to the train station.  

Tea all very frugal - one large chook breast wrapped in bacon stuffed with spreading cheese. Biggles made his cheese sauce ( new skills I taught his from scratch! and now he is the expert) and we had left over veg - carrots and brocoli  and mash.  We split the meat between three of us proportionately.

 The weeny had a fit at  the station. Very upset on goodbye despite the fact that he will be back again in three sleeps for three sleeps.  She ran along the platform waving frantically till other people got in the way and she was devestated as no more waves or smiles.

He texted  Bless how sweet.

We have arranged to take the Jubilee week off together.  maybe scotland, maybe camping in peak district - we will see.

They are close.  That is lovely.



Which bit of this says oh woe is me???

Which bit of this does not suggest that the post following said title is identified by the author as self indulgent, a bit selfish and one sided however with the get off your chest purpose '' does this turn it into a request for pity, tea and sympathy?

No its a fecking BLOG Entry  docum)enting an episode. Tell you what -  best thing to drag me out of my clearly wallowing self pity pot  (- patronising btw) is to getsomeone who judges and clearly doesn't understand the purpose of a blog entitled SELF INDULGENT WHINE !  Am so much better when I have a rant an am pissed off!

SELF INDULGENT: indulgent of your own appetites and desires;
WHINE: To utter a plaintive, high-pitched, protracted sound, as in pain, fear, supplication, or complaint.
2. To complain or protest in a childish fashion. ( this is the context I mean't it in)3. To produce a sustained noise of relatively high pitch: jet engines whining.

This implies I am well aware that the acompanying post is
a) indulgent - . I recognise this.
b) Whine - I am being childish


GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST PURPOSE:  better out than in. 
CATHARTIC:inducing catharsis; purgative.

I also like this one!
CATHARTIC: An agent for purging the bowels, especially a laxative.

Well you have helped - can I compare thee to a bowel irritant?  a good dose of the runnies??

I did not say - A self indulgent whine that is secretly a plea for tea and sympathy and someone to mop my brow and say there there .

Feel free to comment all you like but if you get it wrong and judge and make implications such as

1. My desire to have a child is one sided ( WEAN)
2. I have no money therefore I am being irresponsible in wanting another child.. ( WEAN)
3. I  have not thought through the implications of raising another child  and also child care which thus makes me wrong and selfish ( WEAN)
4. I am being selfish wanting to do a degree at the same time as have a child ( err no that sthe booby prize) ( WEAN)
5. Judgements  regarding my partners salary - yes its large. No I don't spend it its not mine. By fact of me being female does not give me rights to it. It is his and he works bloody hard for and risks his life and mental health in warzones for it. Grrrr  ( WEAN)
6. Edited to include: All that twaddle about going to the wedding with a heavy heart - do you really think I sat there in a corner pouting??? Refusing to talk to the Bride and Groom -???  How ridiculous - NB I wished them well of course - said the bride looked beautiful and told her to cherish every moment of her special day as it passes so quickly. Made polite conversation with people I barely know, who made me feel intimidated etc etc . Doh some people! - Its what you do - you get on with it and turn up and smile. The show goes on. What happens in other places ? Do grown women turn up looking grumpy and act spoilt? ( SUE/WEAN???) Also I turned up becuase it was important to the man I love. His friends. You do this in relationships no matter how much it hurts - you do it for another person.

Sorry for feeling bad not only for myself but fo rnot being able to give the man I love the family he so wishes to have with me. This hurts him. I feel bad. I agree I want a family with him. We love each other truly madely deeply but we are older and not the young things starting out in life full of promise and possibility. 
I will tell you  when you get it wrong and I will and dedicate a whole  post to it.This is because

a. I find the above judgements insulting
b. I find the above judgements insulting
c. I find the above judgements insulting
d. I find the above judgements insulting

This is insulting. It is not that I just disagree.
in case you don't get it!
a. To treat with gross insensitivity, insolence, or contemptuous rudeness. See Synonyms at offend.
b. To affront or demean: an absurd speech that insulted the intelligence of the audience.
2. Obsolete To make an attack on.
v.intr. Archaic
1. To behave arrogantly.
2. To give offence; offend: a speech that was intended to insult

Really those women who get pg and can't afford it  or then choose to contribute to taxes or have to work to  pay bills really  and have to get in child care - they should be selling their children and all those mums who work for fun get back in the kitchen!!

Oh yes I am feeling so much better - bring it on! And yes I am being all of the above!

Do you know what as well ..

If you choose to read a blog and don't like it then don't read blogs! And yes happily go off to your blog and whine and be self pitying I don't read read it so care not a hoot!!! 

No haven't checked for spelling - don't intend to either so there - tongue out and raspberry blowing!

Jovial: my mood for the rest of the day.

Twit! My final word!

Monday, 7 May 2012

Sorry - self indulgent whine with a get it off your chest purpose....

Yes went to said wedding.  Hated it. Managed to drink at such a pace that I never got drunk and the hangover kicked in while I was awake.

Lots of sucessful people with lots of promise. good salaries, families or family plans.  I felt as if I reminded constantly of what I cannot have. ( family that is - don't care about salary) I can live with not having property/ a house, investment etc but the no family with Biggles aspect is driving me insane. This is th efirst time I have loved someone so much to want children with them ,. I always knew I wanted kids and previously I would compromise in relationships - see Weeny girls father. It was a rebound relationship and given my age  if I wanted children I didn't have the luxury of being able to be that picky. Disaster.  Even my ex husband prior to that I turned a blind eye compromised etc as we both wanted a family.

This time it's him. He inspires me to have children and its not going to happen for us. We tried.

We talked about the married quarter idea again. I 'm not keen. Its a big move and quarters are gossipy and I wouldn't be happy being a housewife with no children. Weeny starts school in September. I can hopefully return to Uni to retrain for a new career. I can't say if  we did do the married quarter thing that we would or wouldn't get pregant however I do know that the odds are strongly against us and that if it didn't happen I woudl have nohting to fill the  hole. No job of any worth to take up my time and occupy my hours when Weeny is at school and getting bigger and bigger by the day. I  would be totally reliant on Biggles. Would that be too much for our relationship?  yes I could work and woudl but it would need to take second place to child care for weeny, fit in with Biggles, Studying would be an issue as we would have to pay for it due to Biggles wage............... And he woudl be moving again in 18 months so no time for a degree.

If I could guarantee offspring or the odds were in our favour maybe..............

He is so good with Weeny which makes it an even more bitter bitter pill.

I know one thing however no more weddings. Sorry to be selfish but not in the right place for them and all the promise.

I am 39 1/2 and hate it. Weddings make me feel washed up and old, over the hill  and that life is over - or rather the chances to try  for the life I would like are over, futile and pointless even if I do which makes me feel like a failure.

I don't give a monkeys uncle about the state of my bank balance at the moment. Money has never done it for me  - having it or not having it - I don't get a kick.  I don't want flash cars, twee cottages,  posh houses, luxury travel all completely pointless.Of  no true worth.