Monday, 7 May 2012

Sorry - self indulgent whine with a get it off your chest purpose....

Yes went to said wedding.  Hated it. Managed to drink at such a pace that I never got drunk and the hangover kicked in while I was awake.

Lots of sucessful people with lots of promise. good salaries, families or family plans.  I felt as if I reminded constantly of what I cannot have. ( family that is - don't care about salary) I can live with not having property/ a house, investment etc but the no family with Biggles aspect is driving me insane. This is th efirst time I have loved someone so much to want children with them ,. I always knew I wanted kids and previously I would compromise in relationships - see Weeny girls father. It was a rebound relationship and given my age  if I wanted children I didn't have the luxury of being able to be that picky. Disaster.  Even my ex husband prior to that I turned a blind eye compromised etc as we both wanted a family.

This time it's him. He inspires me to have children and its not going to happen for us. We tried.

We talked about the married quarter idea again. I 'm not keen. Its a big move and quarters are gossipy and I wouldn't be happy being a housewife with no children. Weeny starts school in September. I can hopefully return to Uni to retrain for a new career. I can't say if  we did do the married quarter thing that we would or wouldn't get pregant however I do know that the odds are strongly against us and that if it didn't happen I woudl have nohting to fill the  hole. No job of any worth to take up my time and occupy my hours when Weeny is at school and getting bigger and bigger by the day. I  would be totally reliant on Biggles. Would that be too much for our relationship?  yes I could work and woudl but it would need to take second place to child care for weeny, fit in with Biggles, Studying would be an issue as we would have to pay for it due to Biggles wage............... And he woudl be moving again in 18 months so no time for a degree.

If I could guarantee offspring or the odds were in our favour maybe..............

He is so good with Weeny which makes it an even more bitter bitter pill.

I know one thing however no more weddings. Sorry to be selfish but not in the right place for them and all the promise.

I am 39 1/2 and hate it. Weddings make me feel washed up and old, over the hill  and that life is over - or rather the chances to try  for the life I would like are over, futile and pointless even if I do which makes me feel like a failure.

I don't give a monkeys uncle about the state of my bank balance at the moment. Money has never done it for me  - having it or not having it - I don't get a kick.  I don't want flash cars, twee cottages,  posh houses, luxury travel all completely pointless.Of  no true worth.


  1. AT least the wedding is done now. I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult, really difficult decisons to make. I can totally understand that desire for want of another word to want a child. Have you thought about adoption? Take care and have a good day x

  2. Thanks we have but that road is just as difficult. X

    1. Its for Biggles - he woudl make an amazing father. He can cope without - well we have to really but it will gnaw at him.

      Could adopt from abroad maybe. Bloody difficulty in this country.
      Good to get it off your chest - always clearer once its formalised rather than just emotion in your head.

  3. sorry you're feeling down.
    You talk a lot about getting a degree, studying/courses etc., would you have time for a child if you still want to do this ? Personally I hate the idea of children being looked after by childminders, my take on this is, if you want/have a child, then you should look after it, so have you thought about that angle ?

    Does Biggles want this as much as you ?

    It's all very well saying you don't care about money, but we don't get very far in this world without it, and it would cost a heck of a lot more than you seem to have at the moment if you had another little person to look after.

    I think you are fretting too much about this and trying too hard.

    re the wedding, it's a shame you didn't enjoy it but I have to say that it wasn't for your enjoyment was it ? you were supposed to be there to wish the bride and groom good wishes on the start of their adventure.

    Carry on with the plans you are making, stop fretting about what 'might be' and look after the lovely little girl you already have, who knows what may happen.

    oh and if you think you're all washed up at 39 1/2 - wait till you get to 67 1/2 !!

    sorry if this sounds like you're being ticked off, but I think a reality check is in order here, you have a lot to be grateful for.
    kind regards

    1. The degree is the booby prize for not having any more family. Something to provide focus- a new focus as there will be no more kids, weeny will be at school growing up etc etc and my previous career due to gov cuts etc etc is pretty much gone.

      Biggles - yes devestated too- far too long trying for children post the miscarriage of a planned baby. How long do you flog a dead horse given the law of diminishing return and female fertility? Realisticly 39 is pretty much washed up regarding fecundity.

      I wished the bride well etc etc etc nice smile on the face as one does. Chose a very tasteful plesant card. I reserve my right to feel jealous and deal with that emotion whether it be getting it out on a blog or diary. Please refer to title.

      When I mean large salaries I mean for excess, silly cars and luxury etc etc etc not interested in them.

      I would swap alot to be able to give Biggles his own off spring.

      Title = self indulgent whine for purposes of getting it off my chest

      39 1/2 - law of diminishing return regarding fertility and so technically I am more than likely to be over the hill in this aspect and washed up! ( Bio/medical fact). yes we have seen doctors etc etc

      Yes children cost money. Biggles earns bucket loads. I however in the absence of our children prefer to keep my finances separate and don't expect him to pay for me. I never would and never have expected a man to pay for me. I never did when I was married. We kept our bills separate. I paid 50% exactly of all household bills as a married woman ( no kids) this would have changed given the arrival of children - but in the absence of such I paid my way , I always have and always will. I prefer to have zilch in the bank than to sponge off my partner not that Biggles doesn't do nice things for us/takeaways etc but this is his choice it is not an obligation.

      And yes I do have alot to be grateful for. I am however allowed as the title says have a self indulgent whine for the purposes of getting it off my chest. Cathartic. Good word - getting it out in all its honesty is useful. Enables you to move on.

      I think the ability to respond to the written word may be in order here. Please read post in context rather than revert to the default position of the finger waggle.

      Also have you ever overcome fetility issues??? Or been faced with fertility issues??? Its a strange place to be in and evokes numerous emotions of a very raw kind.

      As a colleague of mine says .. it was her biggest regret not being able to have children and something she lives with even now 35 years later. From what I gather from speaking to others its something that endures regardless and you learn to live with it but it's a regret that never goes away.

      Kind regards also.

  4. I know that, when you are feeling down, it really does not help to think of someone else's pain. My Dad always says, "If you're in agony with a broken leg, it doesn't help to know that the fellow in the next bed has lost his leg! However.... Wean is right, you should have gone to the wedding with a glad heart or not at all. Never make the mistake of thinking everyone else is "settled" and have their lives mapped out because, believe me, they haven't, they just haven't.
    You have many gifts and blessings, challenge yourself to think about the possibilities , maintain a sense of humour, learn to laugh in the face of it all. You are a good woman, dig yourself out again and get on with it. The world will not behave the way you want it to but you own your life so be glad.
    You did right to get this off your chest.
    Sue xxx

  5. Oh I went with a 'glad heart' - wouldn't have gone otherwise. Don't get me wrong I wish them well. Still think weddings are a waste of money but thats there money and their choice. I was there for Biggles . I was his plus one and was the dutiful supportive partner. You do these things in a couple. The wedding was always going to be a issue for me but I chose to go to support Biggles.

    I will get myself out of 'it' thats the point of the blog. Thats the point of the degree in september. This blog documents - please see the top right of the page. I started this after I was made redundant, lost the house/savings due to neg equity and being on a pants salary all the while Biggles and I try to do the family thing which was also an epic fail.

    Degree in September hopefully - new career, new options. This is the plan b the default, the alternative and it does not equal the first choice. I reserve my right to mourn the loss of my hopes and dreams including the family I hoped for. And yes I used the term mourn. Check out some infertility websites for reference also.

    No we don't have our lives mapped out to happiness only have the promise of it where I am my happiness will necessarily take a different form and I shall come to terms with that however I need I do. If you are interested then read on if not then there you go.

    1. Oh Honey, I feel your pain and have shed tears for you this evening. I have my own man Wonderful and we spent many years and money we simply could not afford on IVF. Were accepted for adoption then my mum died suddenly and were told to wait two years..this put MW over the upper age limit. There's only one thing I have taken from it all - like your weeny girl I have my gorgeous daughter - and it's been SO hard on us all, but we love each other desperately: all three of us. MW says it doesn't matter one bit that she is not his - she recently told him that when she gets married it'll be him who walks her down the aisle not her birth father. (I had to go and cheer into a tea towel in another room, but YAY!!)
      Anyhow honey, listen, unless someone has walked in your shoes, they can't know how much this hurts you.
      I'm sending you my love - I can hear your hurt and your anguish.
      To everyone else who doesn't "get" it, sod 'em, ok?
      You kiss that babygirl, hold your Biggles, and stay proud of who you are and how far you have come.
      Life is NOT fair.
      But some bits of it are amazing, so hang on to those you love.
      And if you fancy a longer chat, pop on over to my blog and email me, ok? Fostermummy xxxxx

    2. Thanks FM. I don't think people get the fertility rants. I am always thankful of my daughter and of Biggles. The journey is a raw one - lurching from month to month and disappointment while the clock ticks away. Thats so lovely that GD will have MW walk her down the aisle. I am doing sigh and smiles!
      Life is not fair and sometimes accepting that can take time and be a god awful pain in the but to come to terms with especially with infertility/family plans. Its such a rollercoaster - month ny monthof highs and hopes and lows and disapointment after effort when it should never be that hard!!! We have decided not to look at IVF as we are both not far from 40 or are over 41 and the potential results are low for 40+ women. We can't let it take over our lives to the extreme but its never far away.

      We would adopt but we are also older B is 42 this year and the process is long. If we could guarantee we would be adopting ..... but its never an easy option. Sigh! I may just do that. Thank you.

  6. Yes, I've lost everything on more than one occasion, homes, business, money, partner, family etc. etc., I know what it is like to 'mourn' but you have to get up and stop wallowing in self pity.

    Everyone has their cross to bear, and in the scheme of things, you aren't doing so bad.

    I have friends living in 'rooms' with hardly a hope of getting out, who are longing for a child, but they have been told that it's just not going to happen for them. You have a daughter.

    My own son has one daughter and would have dearly loved another child, but it wasn't to be.

    No wonder you don't care about money if you have a partner who earn's 'bucket loads' - lucky you ! OK you don't take anything from him right now, but i presume you would if you had his child, he would support you, having that knowledge helps a little does it not ?

    I think you should get off the pity pot - and be thankful you have your health, a lovely daughter and loving partner. So many people have none of these things.

    Of course you can whine and 'get it off your chest' it is your blog after all, you can do what you want, but when it is made public, you must accept replies that you don't particularly want and don't agree with your way of thinking.

    1. pity pot!!!! That deserves a slap and if this was the real world I would be so sorely tempted.

      Are you aware of how patronising that is? Clearly you friends need to take your advice and get on with it! You are one cheeky bitch!

      I love that man so much I want him to have everything including the child he wants so very very much with me.

      Yes he has cash and its his. You are a really judgemental person. Get a grip!

  7. I accept the replies no problem - you just need to read the entry first and make sure they tally up! Then I have no issue whatsoever!
    your original comment didn't - or you didn't understand it. Fair do's your issue but expect a reply that puts you straight!

    Yes if we had a child we would revisit our circumstances. I know I have a child and am very thankful but I can hurt for his loss I thought that was allowed in relationships?

    Its public knowledge - you can google it as to how much an officer in the RAF earns. What he earns I have no expectation of. It merely illiustrateds the point that we - yes we - that would be a WE who planned and wanted a child would be able to afford it as a couple. I have no right or expectation of his wage in any other circumstance. YOU made a judgement with the can you afford it question and I explained.

    Your inference about finances and judgement was wrong. Also the implication that this was one sided IE Does Biggles want this as much as you was OFF! Did you imply that the wanting a baby was my idea? It could be read that way. Its not. Biggles would love his own bio child with me. He would love to experience that journey. I know this.

    Err I never asked for pity love - i never do. You implied it. The post says its a whine. I explained its a whine. Did I title it ''OH WOE IS ME!!'' No its a Self indulgent whine. This implies that I know it is self indulgent.

    Self pity does not complete a UCAS application form., SELF pity does not sit a day long interview and succeed, self pity does nto start putting plans into place to move a child froma school, find a new house complete student finance forms, check out prospective areas to live in. Take your self pity and your wallowing and please put it where the sun doesn't shine!!!

    And when you judge in public undertand I will tell you when you are WRONG!

    Bloody hell ITS SELF INDULGENT"!!"!! READ the title.

  8. Errr and if your chums are living in rooms tell them to stop wallowing in self pity save up, get a job and move to decent place to live or maybe think about retraining or applying to uni .

    Hey best tell them they gotta move on - thats good adivce as if they are still living in their 'room' then clearly they are still wallowing and thats a waste of time.

  9. On re reading can I ask - do you stupidly think I went and sat in a corner making faces and being stroppy??? No you silly silly woman and wish the couple well, smile and tell her how beautiful she looks etc etc etc. I went as the man I love wanted me to be with him. They were his friends and it was important to him.

    !!!! Do people not actually read???? I am for all intents purposes twice divorced. Life is never perfect for people we all have our issues. A wedding where the average salary is 55k + I know this- work out how I may know this. Try to guess - I am not making it up. You can double check pay scales for military officers using google. So shoot me for feeling intimidated surounded by well paid, well educated sucessful people. No life is never mapped out but when you are young there is promise and possibility. I had that too years ago. Sorry to say but there is less promise and possibility now - I have less time to work on promotion, less time to establish a pension, pay a mortgage etc etc etc I am not looking for your sympathy the post title said that.I was merely stating how I felt at the time. Am sorry but I have to put you in the same judgemental category as Wean and her pity pot.

  10. I so understand the frustration of infertility and the birthday number continuing to go up. I just want to give you a bit of hope, I had decided that if I was not pregnant by 40, after three miscarriages the first year of our marriage and then two years of not even a blip on a pregnancy test and my 40th birthday was fast approaching, then we were done trying. One week before my 40th birthday the pregnancy test was as dark a line as I could get. Then 9 months of fear of miscarriage and I know have a very lovely and loud 4 year old daughter. What I am trying to say is it can happen for you unless there are health issues that are preventing things that I may be unaware of, if so I am very sorry. Really I am not trying to be an a**hat here and totally do not mean to be smug, but to let you know that it could happen and as soon as you sign up and put a deposit down for your schooling you might be in for a surprise. We bought a house without enough bedrooms, that must have been what worked for us. ;) Good luck and don't mind the naysayers. Perhaps English is a second language? ;)

  11. Hi Shanna - its a touchy subject lol adn I over reacted. Hormones lol.

    Congrats on your wee one! Lovely surprise!!! So sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Its very frustrating. I had a few prior to weeny girl with my ex husband.

    Sods law is a wonderful thing. Thank you. We won't do anythign to stop it form happening put it that way and I have a plan B. I am also lucky that I do have a child already. Would love to give Biggles his own offspring though!

    All calm!!!


  12. lol just in case any hints or tips greatly appreciated.
    Currently taking loads of suplements of the Marilyn or Glenville natural health style though I buy them in separate doses as its cheaper. Also taking DHEA at 75mg per day. Trying to go to the gym x3 pw etc and taking baby asprin.

    We are both fine been checked by hospital- both firing on full cynlinders or rather as much as I can be- at 38 we were at 6 for FSh though this has prob increased since then.

    We try to make the effort lol as we can.

    Shouldn't be this difficult but then at laterlife you can't really expect it to be a walk in the park.


    1. What I found out was that I ovulated earlier then what "normal" women do, so instead of trying on day 10 or 11 I found out by use of the ovulation predictor sticks that I actually ovulated on day 8. Perhaps you are an outside the box ovulator like me. ;) I forgot to mention that I also had a child prior to my losses, so I guess that is considered secondary infertility, if we need to use correct terms. ;) We had done all the other tests and as you both are, we were firing on full cylinders as well. It was that darn outside the norm eggs escaping early. It might be worth a try to pick up a box and see if that is what is happening with you. I had a box of 12 all set to cover a couple months, decided to try one on day 8 just to see what would happen and POW, full on ovulation. ;) Needless to say it had to happen on a week day but my husband powered through just to shut me up and got the job done. ;) Wishing you all the best with whatever you decide or whatever surprises come your way,all good of course.