Monday, 7 May 2012

Sorry - self indulgent whine with a get it off your chest purpose....

Yes went to said wedding.  Hated it. Managed to drink at such a pace that I never got drunk and the hangover kicked in while I was awake.

Lots of sucessful people with lots of promise. good salaries, families or family plans.  I felt as if I reminded constantly of what I cannot have. ( family that is - don't care about salary) I can live with not having property/ a house, investment etc but the no family with Biggles aspect is driving me insane. This is th efirst time I have loved someone so much to want children with them ,. I always knew I wanted kids and previously I would compromise in relationships - see Weeny girls father. It was a rebound relationship and given my age  if I wanted children I didn't have the luxury of being able to be that picky. Disaster.  Even my ex husband prior to that I turned a blind eye compromised etc as we both wanted a family.

This time it's him. He inspires me to have children and its not going to happen for us. We tried.

We talked about the married quarter idea again. I 'm not keen. Its a big move and quarters are gossipy and I wouldn't be happy being a housewife with no children. Weeny starts school in September. I can hopefully return to Uni to retrain for a new career. I can't say if  we did do the married quarter thing that we would or wouldn't get pregant however I do know that the odds are strongly against us and that if it didn't happen I woudl have nohting to fill the  hole. No job of any worth to take up my time and occupy my hours when Weeny is at school and getting bigger and bigger by the day. I  would be totally reliant on Biggles. Would that be too much for our relationship?  yes I could work and woudl but it would need to take second place to child care for weeny, fit in with Biggles, Studying would be an issue as we would have to pay for it due to Biggles wage............... And he woudl be moving again in 18 months so no time for a degree.

If I could guarantee offspring or the odds were in our favour maybe..............

He is so good with Weeny which makes it an even more bitter bitter pill.

I know one thing however no more weddings. Sorry to be selfish but not in the right place for them and all the promise.

I am 39 1/2 and hate it. Weddings make me feel washed up and old, over the hill  and that life is over - or rather the chances to try  for the life I would like are over, futile and pointless even if I do which makes me feel like a failure.

I don't give a monkeys uncle about the state of my bank balance at the moment. Money has never done it for me  - having it or not having it - I don't get a kick.  I don't want flash cars, twee cottages,  posh houses, luxury travel all completely pointless.Of  no true worth.