Friday, 9 November 2012

In which I have much to think on....

In session today ie counselling we worked on making time for the personal demons.

I need to give myself space apparently . I agree. I need to work on how I will feel in different futures - the one I least want being the one I need to think about and I agree. Cleverly the Counsellor recognised that I don't make space for this. I am a forwards kinda gal - get on with it being the mantra. Laugh at it make it humorous. I find humour in everything. Default position. I gloss over with flippancy so that I don't face shit as its pants and crap and hurts.

How will I feel at 65 not having had a baby with Biggles. Hmm Can of fecking worms. On my death bed that will be my only true regret. The rest yadda yada oh and if I look back and have been a shite parent to Weeny girl that one too will be a death bed regret. I put the death bed bit into it not the counsellor. I am very black and white and  grey to quote a blog is lovely lol See am doing it again I can't help my self! Default position- ridicule ones feelings! its all shades of grey and my life also. It ain't that simple especially in my head.

Sigh so am off to try to do the what if thinking. And probably some crying if I can. Not easy. I gulp it back down again. I am a most stubborn client/ It takes me a good hour to get to the point then its time to go.

I have a fortnight till the next one as I am in work next week to orchestrate the office move about at the other campus. I have joiners and caretakers and some shifting to do my self with my other darling colleague. I am the boss but they are colleagues. Not people who work for me. And we are all over qualified and have a plethora of experience.

No need for sympathies Blogosphere its good to think and cry. Its part of the process. Am trying to avoid the sink. Don't want it happening again. I just need to find the space and time to do it!


  1. Crying is good, as is shouting and throwing tupperware* boxes (best when no-one else is in the house) because life is not.fucking.bloody.bollocking.fair.
    Cry hard and long and when the snot bubbles make you giggle, pick yourself up and use yer sleeve and start again.
    Sending you all my properly heartfelt bloggy love, no false sympathies cos I dont have any, but I genuinely do know where you are with this.
    If you want a better chat, just message me and I'll send my real life contact details. FMxx

    ((*other brands of plastic box available - not a sponsored comment - tee hee))