Am busy once again - or rather have been. Toodled off to London and had a lovely time with B. We came back for two days then we were off againt to visit my family in Clackmananshire ( may be two n's hmm) over Easter. B and I managed an evening away sans small girl. Off we went to Fort William for the night - cheap hotel overlooking loch - some steak in Fort William itself and beers. Back via Glen Coe the following day to spend time with family. All rather lovely. We came back to Northumberland on Monday and B has left to go to London till Friday.
We are skint - both of us. The car continues to require work, I paid some bills etc etc so auterity it is till the end of the month.
I have looked out lots to ebay - mostly clothes that are in good nick that are too small for me these days.
I shall do this for a few extra pennies when I get my phone upgrade. I am without camera. I can up grade next week so expect some pics soon.
On a person level I have a bad case of the holiday blues ...I hope its the holiday blues. I am doing that life thing reflection thing which I shouldn't as I compare the real with the wanted and I have bottomed out on all accounts.
Am not sure how I want to change my life for the better now or what I should do - its very murky, financially as well as morally - whats best for small girl etc may not be what I want and she does take precedence.
Sigh..... one thing being different may have helped only one I don't expect to get everything I wanted when I was younger and thought about life goals/ ( They were never that grand anyway to be honest ). I get into that circle of well you made a complete mess of it and just go round and round. Bugger. DID I forget my meds??? I don't think so. Maybe I need stronger ones.
Broke
Lost money
Debt ( ok am paying them off slowly but have had to borrow money form friends and family to keep nasty creditors away after redundancy and negative equity)
no savings
no career to speak of - I am nearly 40 and want to be settled work wise instead I am considering retraining and more debt, stress, relocating etc
I have missed bringing up my daughter by working full time since she was 8 months old and it has all been for nothing. I have nothing to show for those sacrificed years. She will be my only child and I am bitter about this.
It is unlikely that I will ever own property and as such no investment and -no early payment of mortgage and as such no early downsizing, no possibiity of living without mortgage or rent etc etc etc
I may change my blog back to existence.
Yah boo sucks have that sodding wedding at the end of the month as well. What a waste of money when people are starving in other countries. It is a rather large very formal wedding with a marquee and everything shipped in including catering etc etc etc OMFG how much!!!!
I dread to think.
Anyhoo I may feign illness...............:-P
I'm sorry to hear things are not so good, is there anyway of getting out of the wedding, seems like it is causing you extra unnecessary stress, take care and sending you hugs x
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteSure it will get better - sun shine and all that. I'll ponder the future yet again.
The wedding will be full of ''sucessful'' people - flash, lots of cash etc etc all RAF officer types and their wives/young modern professionals adn other types of DINKYS. I woudl love to get out of it but its important to B that I am there with him (unfortunately). I will go for him. Still need a haircut but have said no to the fascinator!!!!!
Oh dear, things are getting on top of you a bit aren't they. Please try and not measure yourself by other peoples 'standards and appearances'. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but it stills needs mowing!!
ReplyDeleteI know it is very difficult at times, been there myself on more than one occasion. Accepting who I am and where I am going has been one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn. Other people always manage to impinge on your life somehow. It's amazing how many 'successful' people 'appear' to be around you, but most are probably miserable sods when no one is looking. Children only want love, a full belly and a roof over their heads. Love them, let them learn what life is like by not feeling guilty if you have to say no, they'll be better adults for it.